Sometimes I just feel like Obama.

We share so many traits and qualities. According to wkml.com these are ten facts about him.

His name has an interesting meaning. Mine does too. It means flower.

Him and Michelle have a multi-year Netflix deal. I have a blog. And a Netflix account that is technically my parents.

He is left-handed. I also use my hand to write.

He was the first black editor at Harvard law review. I also feel like I’m a trailblazer in some ways. I believe it was me who started the cha-cha slide.

He has two Grammys. My dad is named Graham.

He won a Nobel peace prize. I almost won a Joe Zarba award in middle school photography.

Michelle was his mentor. I also knew someone named Michelle once. She was in my Algebra 2 class.

He has written four books. I have a blog.

Secret service used to call him Renegade. Some call me The Rooster.

Being a father is one of his greatest accomplishments. I have a father.

We Have Bee(n) Lied To

I’ve never been one for complaining (except when I do all the time) and I’ve also never been one for dramatics (mostly). I pride myself on my brute strength and perseverance, especially in the most challenging and harrowing of times. Now, you may be asking that question, “Mia, what these ‘challenging’ and ‘harrowing’ times that you are referring to?” Well, I’ll tell you. It is the season of spring 2023 pollen allergies. Allow me to expand upon this.

It all started back on Thursday. To most on the East coast, (especially the granola earthy crunchy, Birkenstock wearing, Hydroflask carrying, UVM girlies) Thursday was a highlight of the year. Finally, after months of darkness, sunlight began to emerge and people could FINALLY go back to posting spine-chilling Instagram stories of themselves basking in the sun and hammocking (I’m not sure if this is a real word but everyone in Vermont says it so I have also started saying it. Am I assimilating? Maybe.) All in all, Thursday was a glorious day, filled with celebration and optimism for everyone...everyone that is except for me.

It started out well enough but quite quickly turned a corner. I was feeling good, feeling lit, and feeling ready to take on the day. I woke up not, even a sniffle leaving my nose. After all it is April. A little early for allergies, don’t you think? Well, do not be fooled. I too thought this and was sorely mistaken.

This Thursday was a little different from most Thursdays as I had a flight back to NYC! Literally thank god. I arrived in the Big Apple safe and sound after white-knuckling it the entire flight and then paid way too much for an Uber back to my apartment. It was then that I felt a little tickle in my nose. Now, ordinarily this would be nothing to worry about. No skin off my back is what I always say. But I knew this was something different. I felt it in my soul and in my bones. There was something evil afoot.

One thing about me is that I hate sneezing. Especially in an hour-long Uber ride. I can’t have the Uber driver think of me as “sneeze girl” or something of that nature. I mean, what is more humbling than that? Nothing, actually. I knew that if I let one sneeze out, the chain of sneezes would be never-ending, which is why I tried my absolute hardest to hold them in. Let me tell you – that Uber ride was one the most stressful experiences of my life.

As soon as I arrived home, after that tortuous Uber ride. I let out a series of seven sneezes in a row. Embarrassing? Yes. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

After my little sneeze-fest I took it upon myself to sample all of the new snacks in my house. As a woman of taste, class, and culture, it has always been important to me to keep up with the times and checking out the pantry to see what I’ve been missing is one of the ways that I do this. Well, this was a mistake. As soon as I opened the cabinet I was hit with a swarm of dust (how my family been living in such filth, I do not know) which only exacerbated the situation sending me into a fit of sneezing, coughing, and intense eye itching. This pollen/dust combo was NOT it. Personally, not a fan. But to each their own, I guess.

Anyway. I thought that this might be remedied by going outside to get some fresh air. After all, doesn’t this seem logical? At the time it did, but upon reflection this was probably one of the stupidest thoughts I have ever had in my life as I was literally choosing to put myself closer to the pollen. We all have our faults, although we all know that mine are few and far between. As you might imagine this was a mistake and set me up to experience a weekend that would truly test the bounds of the mind, body, and spirit. They always say that God chooses her strongest soldiers to put into battle and let me tell you that this weekend I was on the frontlines.

I spend all of Friday and Saturday sneezing up and storm, having to carry packs upon packs of tissues in my tote. As we know, the #totelife is already hard enough, but now I had

to carry extra water, tissues and CVS brand Allegra as well. Oh, did I mention that no allergy medications have ever worked for me ever? I probably should have mentioned this before. I was just carrying the Allegra around for comfort.

Unable to function like a normal human being, I surrendered to the bees and retreated home, leaving my apartment as minimally as possible. I’m ashamed to say that the bees have won this round as I usually consider myself victorious in every situation, but acceptance is the first step to recovery. (or 2nd or 3rd? IDK I am too lazy to look it up. I’ve just heard people say this.)

Usually in stories such as this one, we all hope for a redemption arc for the main character, but I regret to inform you all that as I write this, I have a pocket full of tissues and am currently itching my eye. Ordinarily I would be spiteful and hateful about this, but my 2023 resolution was to look on the bright side, so I am deciding to learn from my pollen allergy experience.

What did I learn you might ask? Let me tell you. We as a society have been far too protective of the bee community. To be honest, I don’t actually understand why. I know they pollinate flowers and make honey, but how serious is that if we really think about it? Probably not that serious. We have been lied to, tricked, bamboozled even. On a personal level, bees have brought nothing to me but torture every Spring and fear every Summer as I am terrified of getting stung. As a collective I think that it is high time that we stop protecting the bees and let fate run its course.

You may be thinking that all of this is a bit dramatic, but what can I say? I have always told it like it is.

Zombie Apocalypse

Those who know me may know recently, I’ve been watching A LOT of zombie content. Like, A LOT. Why? I’m not too sure.

A question that’s been on my mind because of this, though, is what would you do if zombies took over?

While two weeks ago, I might have told you I would kill myself on the spot, I’ve changed my mind. Some may call this delusion, but I think I could survive. Even more, I feel like I could thrive.

As they say, you can do anything you put your mind to. With all the research I’ve done, I think I’m prepared for any type of zombie. The Last of Us, the Walking Dead, Zombieland, World War Z, Zone One, Severance, I could take them all. (Maybe not World War Z).

Nuclear apocalypse, I don’t know about. The Road kind of scarred me from that one. I need my sunlight.

Zombies can’t fly planes, right? So, like every other bitch, I’d move to an island. In this case, I’d kill two birds with one stone and learn how to drive a boat. I think I would Noah’s ark it, take my friends and family that weren’t zombies (duh) and some animals, and then establish a Bill and Frank level safe haven.

Upon arrival, my team and I would sweep the island. I am anti-gun, other than in the case of a zombie takeover. Like most things, I think I would be a natural. Some may say otherwise, but I was blessed with an extremely precise sense of intuition, and I’m a lefty. I could make it work.

I’ve been called an Alpha on occasion, so do with that what you will.

Okay, now let’s talk island ban list:

1. Beyond beef (I’m allergic)

2. Almond milk (I’m allergic)

3. Peanut butter (for laughs) (and I’m allergic)

4. All robots (they scare me)

5. Identical twins (they scare me) (I think they’re hiding something)

6. Philosophy majors (I don’t like talking about philosophy) (I don’t know what philosophy is)

7. People who can’t swallow pills (could never survive an apocalypse)

8. People who flush their tampons (I imagine, if my island had a sewage system, it would be too fragile to handle this)

9. People who wear clear shoes (I don’t want to see your feet)

10. Zombies

11. Hamsters and Guinea pigs (I don’t like the looks of them)

12. Barefoot shoes (get the fuck off my blog)

13. People who own cryptocurrency

14. People who don’t wear socks with sneakers (there’s something deeply wrong with you)

15. People who use reusable toilet paper (fuck the earth)

16. Gluten (Mia told me she would kill herself; this is how I’ll remember her) [1]

17. People who write poetry (there’s a zombie apocalypse going on, I think we have to go through enough) [1]

18. People who have tried to go viral on reels and failed (the secondhand embarrassment would take me out before any zombie would)

19. Robert Moses (He’s dead, but I’m not a huge fan) (Plus, it is a zombie apocalypse, and better safe than sorry)

20. LED lights

21. CEOs (I don’t like their energy)

22. Umbrella hats

23. People who put on press on toenails (I’ve never met one of you, but I wouldn’t like to) [2]

24. People who eat their placentas and/or make umbilical cord art (needs no explanation) [2]

25. People who prefer Montreal bagels to New York (you can't cure bad taste)

26. Men who vape (fuck gender stereotypes for everything but this)

27. People who run to make stoplights (zombie hunting can be about the rush, but it’s also a waiting game. The trick is knowing when to do what. This tells me it’s a skill you haven’t yet mastered)

28. People with no passcode on their phones (you’re too trusting, it’s suspicious)

29. People who don’t understand escalator etiquette (not much going on in there, from what I’ve gathered) [3]
    

While doing this research for this list, it was suggested to me to add Fedoras, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t be mad about it.

Now that I’m thinking about it, this island has to be remote enough that there isn’t a bridge to it, and it’s small enough to gain control over but big enough so there’s tech stuff. (I assume in the case of a zombie apocalypse, there will no longer be wifi; I guess what I mean is I need to bring along some tech person. And some CCTV cameras).

I also guess I would need to finally learn how to drive.

More things I need:

1. Some way to play music without electricity

2. Someone who knows about farming. Mia, if you’re reading this, good thing you’re going WOOFing this summer.

3. A plane, maybe a fighter jet or something, but flying is one of those things I don’t think I could master. Aerospace majors at Brooklyn Tech, I’m looking at you, I guess.

4. I would love to have a couple of goats—goat cheese, baby goats, etc.

5. Sunscreen

6. A construction worker who knows how to build houses, specifically if the island is uninhabited

7. Guns (duh)

8. The writer(s) of home alone, the modern-day Bible for booby trappers.

9. A first aid kit, tweezers included [4]

10. A desalinator

11. Animals for eating (sorry, vegetarians)

12. A textile maker and a seamstress (I guess this isn’t a need, but I’m thinking long game here). I guess, to prepare for this, I SHOULD learn how to cobble.

13. A psychic, to keep things interesting.

14. Chickpeas (I’ve been really into hummus)

15. A sleeping mask. [4] I’m kind of hurt I didn’t think of this one myself.

Like many things in life, this is a work in progress. Let me know if there’s anything to add.

Thank you to Mia (1), Georgia (2), Sidney (3), and Celeste (4) for your contributions to the ban and need lists.

Violet