Zombie Apocalypse

Those who know me may know recently, I’ve been watching A LOT of zombie content. Like, A LOT. Why? I’m not too sure.

A question that’s been on my mind because of this, though, is what would you do if zombies took over?

While two weeks ago, I might have told you I would kill myself on the spot, I’ve changed my mind. Some may call this delusion, but I think I could survive. Even more, I feel like I could thrive.

As they say, you can do anything you put your mind to. With all the research I’ve done, I think I’m prepared for any type of zombie. The Last of Us, the Walking Dead, Zombieland, World War Z, Zone One, Severance, I could take them all. (Maybe not World War Z).

Nuclear apocalypse, I don’t know about. The Road kind of scarred me from that one. I need my sunlight.

Zombies can’t fly planes, right? So, like every other bitch, I’d move to an island. In this case, I’d kill two birds with one stone and learn how to drive a boat. I think I would Noah’s ark it, take my friends and family that weren’t zombies (duh) and some animals, and then establish a Bill and Frank level safe haven.

Upon arrival, my team and I would sweep the island. I am anti-gun, other than in the case of a zombie takeover. Like most things, I think I would be a natural. Some may say otherwise, but I was blessed with an extremely precise sense of intuition, and I’m a lefty. I could make it work.

I’ve been called an Alpha on occasion, so do with that what you will.

Okay, now let’s talk island ban list:

1. Beyond beef (I’m allergic)

2. Almond milk (I’m allergic)

3. Peanut butter (for laughs) (and I’m allergic)

4. All robots (they scare me)

5. Identical twins (they scare me) (I think they’re hiding something)

6. Philosophy majors (I don’t like talking about philosophy) (I don’t know what philosophy is)

7. People who can’t swallow pills (could never survive an apocalypse)

8. People who flush their tampons (I imagine, if my island had a sewage system, it would be too fragile to handle this)

9. People who wear clear shoes (I don’t want to see your feet)

10. Zombies

11. Hamsters and Guinea pigs (I don’t like the looks of them)

12. Barefoot shoes (get the fuck off my blog)

13. People who own cryptocurrency

14. People who don’t wear socks with sneakers (there’s something deeply wrong with you)

15. People who use reusable toilet paper (fuck the earth)

16. Gluten (Mia told me she would kill herself; this is how I’ll remember her) [1]

17. People who write poetry (there’s a zombie apocalypse going on, I think we have to go through enough) [1]

18. People who have tried to go viral on reels and failed (the secondhand embarrassment would take me out before any zombie would)

19. Robert Moses (He’s dead, but I’m not a huge fan) (Plus, it is a zombie apocalypse, and better safe than sorry)

20. LED lights

21. CEOs (I don’t like their energy)

22. Umbrella hats

23. People who put on press on toenails (I’ve never met one of you, but I wouldn’t like to) [2]

24. People who eat their placentas and/or make umbilical cord art (needs no explanation) [2]

25. People who prefer Montreal bagels to New York (you can't cure bad taste)

26. Men who vape (fuck gender stereotypes for everything but this)

27. People who run to make stoplights (zombie hunting can be about the rush, but it’s also a waiting game. The trick is knowing when to do what. This tells me it’s a skill you haven’t yet mastered)

28. People with no passcode on their phones (you’re too trusting, it’s suspicious)

29. People who don’t understand escalator etiquette (not much going on in there, from what I’ve gathered) [3]
    

While doing this research for this list, it was suggested to me to add Fedoras, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t be mad about it.

Now that I’m thinking about it, this island has to be remote enough that there isn’t a bridge to it, and it’s small enough to gain control over but big enough so there’s tech stuff. (I assume in the case of a zombie apocalypse, there will no longer be wifi; I guess what I mean is I need to bring along some tech person. And some CCTV cameras).

I also guess I would need to finally learn how to drive.

More things I need:

1. Some way to play music without electricity

2. Someone who knows about farming. Mia, if you’re reading this, good thing you’re going WOOFing this summer.

3. A plane, maybe a fighter jet or something, but flying is one of those things I don’t think I could master. Aerospace majors at Brooklyn Tech, I’m looking at you, I guess.

4. I would love to have a couple of goats—goat cheese, baby goats, etc.

5. Sunscreen

6. A construction worker who knows how to build houses, specifically if the island is uninhabited

7. Guns (duh)

8. The writer(s) of home alone, the modern-day Bible for booby trappers.

9. A first aid kit, tweezers included [4]

10. A desalinator

11. Animals for eating (sorry, vegetarians)

12. A textile maker and a seamstress (I guess this isn’t a need, but I’m thinking long game here). I guess, to prepare for this, I SHOULD learn how to cobble.

13. A psychic, to keep things interesting.

14. Chickpeas (I’ve been really into hummus)

15. A sleeping mask. [4] I’m kind of hurt I didn’t think of this one myself.

Like many things in life, this is a work in progress. Let me know if there’s anything to add.

Thank you to Mia (1), Georgia (2), Sidney (3), and Celeste (4) for your contributions to the ban and need lists.

Violet