Dreams Do Come True

Finally, after all these years, I’m able to fulfill my dreams of becoming a millennial, even if just for one night. I am Cinderella, and Tumblr/2010s/Indie sleaze party is my ball. For this ball, I am transforming into a hipster. Alienor and I were talking the other day about purpose. I don’t believe this is my peak, but still, I wonder, is it my purpose?

Throughout my life, I have heard many people say they felt God’s presence, or the spirits with them. I’ve never felt this for myself, putting it into the same category filled with doubt that I attributed to ‘shifting.’ (For those of my readers who weren’t on TikTok in 2020, ‘shifting’ is when people believed they could transport themselves into fictional worlds such as Harry Potter, or as Dextero says (whatever Dextero is) “moving your consciousness into an alternative reality.” No, this isn’t the same as dreaming - to those who ‘practice’ it).

All this aside, when making my costume, I felt the spirits coursing through me, as if my life had been leading up to this moment, my ancestors guiding hand as I made mustache sunglasses out of cardboard.

I looked in the mirror, wearing a slouchy beanie and I felt as if for the first time, I fully understood the phrase, “home is not a place, but a feeling.”

Lots of things have been keeping me up, the anticipation of my next Linear Algebra assignment dropping, the mystery of a stolen and returned record from our last party, the excitement of our new dishwasher, but this tops them all.

I can feel myself in possession of a mug, shoutout Nell’s roommate, that says, “I’m not slurring my words, I’m speaking cursive.” I can feel myself, as if pushed by some unseen force, drawn to craft beer. I can feel myself talking about the best mustache pomade brands with my friends.

I remind myself of Jared Leto, is it method acting, or is this who I have become?

Three people have told me the hipster look is unsettlingly natural on me. If hipsters existed twenty years ago, I would like to imagine I am one reincarnated, although in this world it doesn’t make sense.

I keep thinking about that Happy Endings episode where Penny starts to like a hipster and because of it, tries to transform.

They said the hipster rules were as follows:

1. Never put effort into anything

2. Only like things ironically

3. You can never show too much enthusiasm

4. Everything is dumb

I think this hipster movement has been brewing ever since I took the male archetypes quiz and was presented with a man in a fedora and suspenders, telling me I was definitively a Beta.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee, I say. I even already have a blog. I am the Eminem TikTok woman . I dream of Harry Potter. I can feel myself itching to draw a mustache on the side of my finger and look wistfully at pictures of Zooey Deschanel.

I am millennial and millennial is me.

I HATE OATMEAL

I hate oatmeal so much. It is so disgusting, I don’t understand why so many people eat it. I didn’t have many groceries this morning, so like any regular person, I decided I would give oatmeal a try. I have massive regrets. Now, I have this bowl of mushy oats sitting in front of me waiting to be eaten.

What do people like about oatmeal? It’s not the flavor, because they have no flavor. Don’t get me wrong - I added toppings, but you could put those toppings on anything else and have it be better. If I’m eating it for the toppings, why even bother making the oats?

I would hope it’s not the texture because then I don’t think I could ever understand.

It’s not even to be able to tell other people you like oatmeal, because oatmeal doesn’t have that ‘cool’ factor.

I actually think this is my least favorite breakfast food to exist on the planet.

How many tubs of yogurt could you eat in one sitting

Recently, one of my dear friends and fellow bloggers Siobhan brought a debate to my attention. Really, it’s not a debate, but more of a question. How many tubs of yogurt could you eat in one sitting? Tubs, for reference, are generally around 750g.

I am someone who can barely get through a small carton of yogurt - I enjoy it at first, but five or so bites in, my brain flips a switch and I suddenly cannot bear to eat another bite. Because of this, I expected to be bested, but nothing could have prepared me for her answer.

Gun to her head, Siobhan said ten. Thankfully, I was sitting down or else I might have fallen over in shock. Ten? Ten? I never even considered that a number that big was an option for anyone, much less someone I knew.

The rest of my night went by in a haze - writing another blog post about meaningless stuff - too wound up to make sense of what I had heard.

I’ve learned many times throughout my life that the best way to process emotions and your feelings is to talk through them. Because of this, I took it upon myself to ask those around me their thoughts on this question, as if to double check that I wasn’t the one going crazy.

My first test subject I saw early in the morning. Hillary walked beside me as I prepared myself to ask the question that had been burning a hole in the back of my mind all throughout the lab we had just had together.

I knew from many discussions with both Hillary and Siobhan that Hillary is nothing short of a fan of yogurt, so to me, she was the perfect candidate. Was I right to be frightened by Siobhan’s response, or is this what the yogurt community is like? It reminds me of Atlantis, something that legend says exists, but it’s both unavailable and incomprehensible to the average person.

The conversation between Hillary and I lulled, and I snapped quicker than one of the piranhas from dumb ways to die. “How many tubs of yogurt do you think you could eat in one sitting?”

I could barely hold myself together as I watched her think about her answer. Time slowed down as she began to speak, it felt as if the universe was giving me a moment to prepare for what she had to say.

Before I could think about the implications of my study, she had answered. Less than one. I wasn’t surprised by this, because I had said the same thing, but I still needed to know more.

I spent the rest of my day asking those around me their thoughts on this question, and all went well until I texted my roommates. Scientists make mistakes, we all make mistakes, so keep that in mind. Believe me, I know for a fair experiment you need to avoid leading questions and remove bias from the research question. However, it was a weak moment and this thought flew out of my mind.

I told them about these ten tubs of yogurt and asked them - isn’t that crazy? Too my surprise, my roommate Jaimie said no. More than that, she said she thought she could do the same.

Someone powerful once said “in all debates, let truth be thy aim, not victory.” This, I think, is a good thing to remind myself of as I close off this post. Just because someone’s reply is shocking and sends you into a yogurt-inspired spiral, doesn’t mean that the debate is lost. As one of my  other roommates, Charlie, reminded me, (as told to her by a dear friend who “plays chess”), there’s no such thing as losing when you’re gaining knowledge.

PSA - I wrote this while half asleep. Reflecting back, I would like to dedicate this post to Siobhan. More than the idea and creator of the question, the clear air of the morning reminds me of the great sense of respect I have for anyone who can eat that much yogurt. I think, objectively, if our lives were ever on the line for something like this she would have a way better chance than me of making it through.