Massachusetts (again)

Recently I’ve been struggling with being an editor. It makes you think, maybe leadership isn’t in my future. Unfortunately for you, my readers, most of my guest writers have more going on in their lives than a blog and don’t have the time to send me their posts. Water under the bridge I guess. I have a part-time job and still post, but “apparently” that’s different.

I’m writing here from Boston MA. Visually, this past week has taken a toll on me. I think if I see one more piece of clothing from LL Bean I’m going to have to break the hotel window and throw myself onto the Boston highway.

Truthfully though, I know that it’s not the city’s fault and more of my own. I think the real problem, the root of it, is that I fit in more than I let on. Even while basking in my own ignorance, I know that my whole family wearing their Patagonia bags is not an uncommon sight in the great state of Massachusetts.

Many run ins with relatives and family friends over the past couple of days has really educated me on my WASP heritage. Not to get cocky, but I really think if the FBI contacted me and asked me to be an undercover agent in a rich, suburban part of the North East I would fit right in.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed that I’ve gained five followers on instagram, but it’s because my step aunts and cousins have joined the social circle. Networking!

One social demographic at a time, I knocked this one out of the park. Plus, my LA based cousin told me she was working towards getting a greyhound. You heard me right, yet another step towards becoming New England’s very own Kardashians.

If you’re wondering what my favorite part of the funeral was, I’d say if I had to choose, it was not my newfound instagram fame. Instead, it was one of my grandmothers neighbors. She came in slowly, putting her weight on a small stroller. I wondered, did she have a baby? Was it a stroller shaped walker? I looked inside, and to my surprise saw a weird fur vest.

I looked at it for a second, forgetting to offer her a noise maker, (my mom and aunt caught wind of this and made me stand facing the corner for the rest of the service). I had to restrain myself from jumping as the stroller’s contents began to move. Turns out, instead of clothing, it was two terrifying dogs. My mom later told me her and my aunt compared them to balls of drier lint, but in the moment they just looked like ancient creatures made of matted fur, eyes and teeth.

Throughout the ceremony I found myself staring, maybe subconsciously to make sure they were still there. They reminded me of the main character of the Bunnicula books, which in my memory told the story of a bloodthirsty bunny in pursuit of his owners. After looking it up, I found out that he “sucks the juice out of vegetables.”

Extremely disappointing, but that’s life. Much to my surprise, I made it out of there alive. Although- in Buffy the Vampire Slayer her friends get possessed by animals, so maybe I’m not in the  clear yet.

Car Ride 1/4

Hello to my fans and readers,

I am writing this on my first of four 5 hour car rides this week. In other words, my first of two pilgrimages to Massachusetts. Why? Good question.

Some updates that you may be curious to know…

I have new American flag shoelaces. My shoes have stars on them, my laces have stars on them. My socks often have stripes on them, my shoelaces have stripes on them. Now, upon meeting me, it will be even clearer to people that I’m American. Finally! Dreams do come true.

It’s quite a sight, if I’m being honest. Good thing I didn’t walk around NYC too much today, otherwise people would have been falling over in jealousy. I have my red Patagonia backpack, my blue sparkly shirt, my track pants, the aforementioned shoelaces (of course), AND polka dot socks that match my Frost Valley water bottle.

Side note: I’m dressed like an American flag without even trying, red, white [on the track pants] and blue. Stars [barely - I’m counting the sequins] and stripes [again on the track pants].

I’m wondering, are there Canadian flag shoelaces? As I’m sure you’re now wondering the same, (especially my Canadian readers) yes. Yes there are.

Last night, I spent the delirious moments before falling asleep daydreaming about the Fourth of July. In this scenario, someone, I don’t know who, comes up to me. They say- Violet, what fun Fourth of July shoelaces! Did you buy those for today?

HAHA. I’ll say back. You would’ve thought, wouldn’t you. These are my daily shoelaces. These shoelaces don’t come easy. I had to scour the internet, pages and pages, to come across these little things. Plus, they didn’t have the right length for me, so I got them custom. CUSTOM. These aren’t just any Fourth of July shoelaces.

Realistically, I will not be wearing them on Fourth of July. It’s too meta.

I’m listening to Beast of Burden (again) and wishing I was Mick Jagger.

While I feel slightly disgruntled about all of the time I’m spending in the car, I have high hopes for this weekend.

I’ve learned that writing out my goals helps them come into fruition. So, here they are:

• Study up on the Massachusetts accent

• Get my first summer ice cream cone

• Make another blog post

• Go viral on LinkedIn

• Meet Joe Biden

• Learn how to pronounce Schenectady (which I spelled right on the first try, thank you)

• Show off my new shoelaces

• Change the national spelling of Connecticut to Conneticut to switch it up

• Learn how to make styrofoam

• Get called a Masshole

• Not get allergic to the remnants of cat hair in the house I’m staying in

• Stop tying my shoelaces like a child (start using the bunny method)

• Find the perfect clothes at Savers and cry of joy and start hitting my head on the table because I’m so happy

One of my coworkers recently asked me what my nationality was. I replied, nothing interesting; I’m just general white. I thought back on this. Why? Was I embarrassed of the truth? I should want to shout it from the rooftops.

“I’m half Midwestern! I have Massachusetts blood! I’m a WASP.”

I need to start being proud of my heritage.

Maybe this pride just comes with knowledge. To get this knowledge, I’ve decided to learn about my culture. They say the best way to learn is through teaching, so I figured that, especially since this week I’m returning to homeland Massachusetts, I would take this opportunity to educate the masses on what it means to be me.

So, here you are. This might be useful if any of you are about to play a WASP in a play, or maybe you just started dating one and are looking for a birthday present.

Types of cream my people (New Englanders) enjoy:

1. Heavy cream

2. Cream cheese

3. Sour cream

4. Creamer

5. Ice cream

6. Creamed corn

7. Whipped cream

8. Cold cream

9. Cream-colored furniture and paint

10. Irish cream liqueur

Honorable mention: butter, cottage cheese and mayo. Unfortunately none of these have cream in the title, so they didn’t make the cut.

Violet

Ps. Sorry in advance for the lack of pictures in my recent posts, I am really close to being out of storage on Wix. Oops!

List of things I did while stuck inside

Made a list of things I could sit on in my room, like a stack of books. It was a very short list when I noticed all I was adding were things outside. Which didn’t make sense, because my list was things to sit on while stuck inside.

Tried on a lipstick color that didn’t work on me last week, but maybe that’s changed. (It hasn’t)

Watched YouTube videos on how to properly roll a shawarma

Tried, and failed, to properly roll a shawarma

Watched people walking outside my window, noted their outfits

Looked at my clothes waiting to be put away lingering on my floor

Drew a picture of my chair, added photos to my list of things I could sit on

Wrote a list of things I could do while sitting in each potential chair

Sat pondering my outfit of the day

Looked at the infected cut on my knee, thought about putting on Neosporin.

Made a list of things I did while stuck inside

Added writing this list to my list

Showed my sister that my pants got stained from all of my gardening manual labor

Wondered about whether or not this is how Indiana jones feels while looking at his sepia wardrobe after his adventures

Had an ice cream cone and reminisced about my coffee crisp ice cream cones in Montreal

Thought about the RPM of the ceiling fan, but decided not to calculate it because it was moving too fast for me to count.

Wondered what the battery life of my speaker is, because if it died right now I don’t think emotionally I could take that hit

Looked in the mirror and tried to picture myself with gauges (is it gauges?)

Wondered what the process is to make tissues

Thought about the Richard Scary book where they teach you how paper is made

Made a list of my five favorite pairs of socks (three are striped)

Zillowed the address on the New Yorkers Sidney gave me that she found on the street

Read that the aforementioned apartment had a queen size home office

Wondered what a queen size home office was

Spilled crushed doll parts on my rug

Looked for new music

Drew people walking outside

Noticed that my jeans and their yellow hue matched the air color outside, I am fit for an apocalypse movie. Maybe the 100? I could probably do better. I’ll think on this

Waited for Georgia to get dressed. It took a while.

Ate some pizza (without the crust)

Researched how to self-rescue after falling through ice

Learned how to properly kill an alligator, if ever trapped in a duel (thank you Willow)

PS: I didn't really need to be stuck inside, but as a mostly unemployed woman I don't have many things to do. Unfortunately, my usual day lingering at the piers did not seem as appealing in these conditions.