The Flying Philosopher

Hi blog! I’m Sidney, the newest guest contributor to Heads Up Phones Down. I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to introduce myself, but last week I was doodling in my philosophy class when I heard two words: John Locke. Like any normal person, this name triggered a fear deep inside of me, teleporting me back to the many Brooklyn Tech classrooms in which I was present for the mention of such a name. Now I do not recall what exactly John Locke philosophized that made him so important that every highschool history teacher needed to dedicate class time to choking on his dead, decaying dick, but what my philosophy professor proceeded to tell the class left me pondering everything I thought I knew about this man.

Basically, John Locke believed that what makes a person the same person over time is their consciousness. Not their body, or their actions, but their memory. This means that basically John Locke believed that if you blacked out and killed somebody, you shouldn’t be convicted of murder since you don’t remember it happening so it was a person other than yourself committing murder. Kinda dope. Like thats radical for the 1600s, and its still relevant today!! Dear every history teacher I’ve ever had, what do you think? Anyway pretty sure he also said some shit about how governments should be structured that the US ripped off. I guess that his beliefs about consciousness didn’t make the cut. Probably for the best.

On another note, I’m not sure I’ve even told Violet this, but I have continued my mysterious and non-existent dance career at NYU. That is correct, I am a NYU dancer. Anyway yesterday at rehearsal my choreographer informed me that I, Sidney, am a flyer. Now I am sure that this blog does not attract many cheerleaders, so I would like to clarify that a flyer is the person who gets lifted/thrown in a dance/cheer piece.

This information was shocking to my 5’7” ears. I have never been a flyer in my life, never thought I qualified for the position. Not only does my newfound status as a flyer make me question many of my own self perceptions, but I now have to consent to standing on top of two girls (both shorter than me), and then trust fall backwards off of them into the arms of two other girls (these ones are taller than me). Also I’m holding a sharp, plastic crown the whole time so I feel like I might only have one eye soon. Why? I do not know. Kinda fun. Kinda terrifying.

Also, I had those prepacked cinnamon rolls for breakfast today. Subtle kitchen flex to all you kitchenless dorm livers out there. I have included a photo so stay envious.

Thank you for the opportunity to contribute to Heads Up Phones Down, I am truly honored. Dear reader, I hope that you enjoyed my menagerie of bullshit. These were just some things I really needed to get off my chest, and I am grateful for having this safe space to do so.

Peace and love,

Sidney